James was complaining that my post about the quilt was relevant and heartfelt, but didn't actually say anything about what was going on with me this week - so I said I would supplement with an additional one for those curious about the generic "what's-a-goin-on" these days...
Unfortunately I can't think of too much straight off hand, but I'm sure more will come to me as I go (it usually does).
I guess the first thing on everyone's mind is when I'm going to actually HAVE this baby. But unfortunately I don't have much faith that it will be in the definite near future. But I have been getting the signs and symptoms though that things are heading that direction, so that's good! Some of the changes are quite obvious - I've been getting practice contractions more frequently, some of them actually beginning to become painful. Some of them have even woken me up in the middle of the night and, let me tell you, waking up to a contraction while still in half-sleep mode is enough to make anyone think they are either a) in labour OMG or b) dying. Luckily I just need to get out of bed and walk around a bit (wake up a bit) and the pain goes away and my sense returns (for the most part). The other changes are a bit more subtle. Mainly the fact that I can tell my hormone levels are shifting and adjusting. When I first got pregnant, the change in hormones meant I had major skin breakouts, my hair went haywire, I could smell everything and my emotions were everywhere. But then, for the most part, it all leveled out. The past week or so it's starting up again - pimples, sensitivity to smells, crying. It's all coming back. The only thing to pin it on is the hormones shifting about again.
As for the crying though - I have been super emotional. I think it's within reason though. One thing I've realised is that this isn't a wholly and entirely happy occasion. Of COURSE it's happy and I'm thrilled and can't wait. But taking on something new is necessarily letting go of something else. It's sort of like your first day moving into the dorms at College. Of course you are excited and looking forward to your new adventures and your new life but it also means that you are saying goodbye to living at home and High School and youth etc. The same again when you graduate from University. It's momentous and exciting and it's everything you tried so hard to achieve - but that doesn't mean you aren't still sad that those days are over. And then I had the same conflict when I moved to the UK - I knew it was the right decision and obviously looking back I don't regret it but that moment, that transition, was intensely heartbreaking for everything I had to let go of to make it happen. And I'm here again. I am really looking forward to this new chapter in my life. It is a new adventure that I can imagine will be so positive and fulfilling and I do want it to happen. But at the same time, I'm finding it hard to say goodbye to my old life because it is so very very good. I have a fantastic marriage and an amazingly happy and rewarding life. We didn't decide to have children to fill a gap or because of any sense of something missing. It was to add on to what was already fantastic. My life is brilliant right now, and it makes me sad to say goodbye to it. At times I want to stop the ride and change my mind. I want to carry on just as we are, as happy as we are. I'm staring at a bridge into an unknown and as much as I know that what is on the other side is amazing, actually crossing the bridge knowing we can never go back again is hard and emotional.
(somehow that feels like a confession - like there's something wrong with me that I'm not 100% blissful at the thought of a new baby. In my head there would be something wrong with my current life if I wasn't sad to let it go... but still, I just considered deleting that whole paragraph because it doesn't sound like what I "should" be feeling or it's in some ways "wrong" to feel like this... but I AM feeling like this so I will leave it in for the sake of being honest and true. But it makes me wonder what it means about myself or the world at large that saying it out loud to someone other than James feels quite vulnerable)
Whew! That's out there and deep and heavy! SO! On a happier note! I've noticed something odd that humours me a LOT. It really shouldn't... but it makes me laugh every time. Let me back up a bit. It seems the people in my family have a tendency towards joint issues. Cracking, creaking, popping etc is not at all uncommon. Mine is in my ankles - if I flex them, they crack. It's odd because I've never been able to crack my knuckles, but my ankles - whew! - they will go at the slightest twinge. They make a loud noise too...
So the funny thing is that recently, when I crack my ankles, it makes the baby jump! It's so funny. He jumps every now and then at different things (hand dryers often startle him) but my cracking ankles really get him. I don't really understand it to be honest. I don't think it can be the noise, though it is loud - but it's no louder than clapping your hands randomly and that doesn't make him jump. The only thing I can figure is that the tendon snapping back into place (the official source of an ankle "crack") must smack against the bone quite hard. And because the ankle bone's connected to the leg bone, and the leg bone's connected to the pelvis (etc) - perhaps he is feeling some sort of vibration or something. That would also explain why it's only started up recently, because it's only recently that he seems to be directly in contact with the bones of my pelvis.
Who knows really? All I know is that it is rather odd and yet hilarious. It makes me laugh every time... and then feel the need to profusely apologise for scaring him (whilst still laughing - is that wrong?).
Another weird thing of late is that I can see him "practice breathing." I didn't even know that they DID practice breathing in the womb, though I know (boy do I know) that they get the hiccups so I guess it makes sense. The thing is that as he gets bigger (and me, not so much) he is often very "close to the surface" as it were. So you can definitely locate and identify feet and hands and elbows etc. And sometimes, it's his whole round back pressed outwards. When this happens, every so often, I can watch it rhythmically rise and fall. The first time it happened, I thought he was having a weird seizure or something so I did what everyone does in these situations - googled it. And discovered that other women out there had seen the same thing and been informed that it is just practice breathing. All babies do it, but you usually can't see it. He's done it once when James was around too, to assure you that I'm not just crazy. I haven't managed to capture it on video yet, but some women have if you want to see what it's like (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZCHe8xVnbwc).
And, speaking of videos, I've tried to capture at least some of his movement on my camera. As always, it's very difficult to do myself and I keep forgetting to ask James to help. But because he is so big, his moving can be quite dramatic - so I keep trying. This last time, I was starting to get some good stuff, but then the doorbell rang. So it's short and cuts off before he really gets into it but it at least gives you a little idea. So I'll leave you with that! Here it is:
I have to admit that I have bawled the night before each daughter was born...sad that I could never return to life as a married couple without kids and sad that my only child would now have to share my time. It felt wrong to be sad but like you I felt like it would also be wrong if I wasn't sad. Don't be alarmed if the sad feelings come back even once the baby is here.
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